(not so) Secret Life of Rynezzie

Okay, this is going to be a majorly emotional post. Something which I haven’t written in a long time. And by long, I mean really long. Like seriously, the last time I did a post something like that was like what? Freaking Secondary Two when there was like huge blog traffic from people I know flogging to my blog to see my mundane life. But I admit, when you post such intimate stuffs, IT REALLY ATTRACTS PEOPLE.

Okay, one reason for my sudden decision to make this post a public one ‘cos I know there’s this little part of me which wanna let the people whom this is directed to know about this. Also, this issue, has been a very huge part of my life and a even bigger impact on how I think now. I’m still having some inhibitions about it… T.T

Okay here goes nothing.

I have been distancing and going back in then distancing all over again for the past year. It should have been a mistake on my part, but some things can’t be changed anymore. It’s just like however how we feel right now, it will still remain as it is. We can never go back. I may seem like I don’t really care. I may seem nonchalant. But sometimes I question myself. Am I really like that? Do I really want this? Yes and no. I am conflicting from within. Z has been trying to convince me that I do. But I’m just refusing it. I’m pushing everything away. And everytime, it’ll end up with me avoiding it and him being the helpless one. Unable to help. At a loss for what to do.

I am deifinitely someone who opens up relatively easy. But for this. I don’t think so. No one really knows how I feel about it. Other than anger. Do you know there’s a tinge of sadness within me?

All the memories that have been buried deep down have started to resurface. A few days ago. I know this ‘cos I found myself resisting to it. The moment they came up, I pushed it back down. I made sure I couldn’t see it or feel it. As bad as I do want it, I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to accept it. The future seems bleak for us. It doesn’t seem possible it doesn’t seem real. If I decide to embrace what I felt deep within, everything would change. I wouldn’t know what to expect and I’m not going to risk myself a rejection flat in my face ‘cos I don’t think I’ll ba able to deal with it. Thus, I solve it with my own ways — I avoid it. I push it away. I keep it out of my mind. I’m always good at this. I’d rather live with it believing it has never been a part of me, never influenced me or shaped me to become the way I am. I’m not going to allow myself to break down that easily anymore. Once of such a heartache is bad enough. Having to go through this ordeal alone is bad enough. Having to convince myself that you can’t trust anyone else other than yourself there is bad enough. I’m not going to let my heart rule my mind this time once more. I’m not going to make myself or even risk it, to go through all those shit that I have to go through alone while the rest of the world is condemning me. On my actions on the things I’ve done. Why? ‘Cos they don’t know what’s  wrong, what I went through, what I’ve thought about before coming to a decision and how hard was it for me to convince myself that I am definitely not in any fault and never in the larger portion of the mistake. Call me stubborn, stupid, whatever. I’m not going to risk myself.

Man, that felt good. Everything’s out. A public post is so much different from a private one. Shall do this more often since this place is mostly me-me.

I’m burning the bridges that I’ve built. Friendships? There were supposed to last. At least that what I thought.

What I thought we would be, at least.